:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize