i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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