I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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