I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize