you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
