where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
