Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
