Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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