Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
