You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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