hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
