Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
