No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
