Don't make out with my wife yet
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
