She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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