Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
