so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
