Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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