Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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