Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
