a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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