I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
