i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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