im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
