I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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