My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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