Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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