did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
