the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
