I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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