Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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