just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
this beer tastes like vomit already
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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