My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
