Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize