If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
