I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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