yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
