i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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