I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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