i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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