I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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