did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
