Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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