he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
