thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
