i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
