gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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