my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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