I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You are a genius and a whore.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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