I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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