Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
