U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
