Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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