I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
