I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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